Dirty Little Secret

I had such a rough time starting the nursing process with Grace that if you would've told me I'd nurse her until she was fifteen months old, I probably would've laughed in your face. I was just trying to make it through 6 weeks, and even that seemed like quite a goal at the time.

The six week mark came and went and I set a new goal- six months, and then a year. Regardless of how well nursing was going by then though, I was determined to be done by the time she turned a year old. But then so many changes happened at that year deadline- Mike deployed, we traveled back and forth to Virginia Beach, and she got her first real illness- that I couldn't bear to take away her one constant- nursing.

At that point, however, I started to feel like I had a dirty little secret when people found out I was still nursing her at 13, 14, and 15 months. I felt like I had to justify why I was still nursing my toddler. By then it was only twice a day, just to help her get to sleep, but when she would pull at my shirt and ask for 'de de' and my secret was exposed (gasp! you're still nursing?!?), I would do my best not to feel embarrassed. I know I shouldn't have felt any kind of embarrassment because nursing is a natural thing, but even so, I couldn't help but feel a little awkward when I sensed a disapproving judgment. Sometimes my inherent need to please others can be quite a pain for myself.

It's been two full weeks of being free from nursing. With help from a bra full of cabbage, my dirty little secret is no more. My child is truly weaned. From the anxiety of whether it would all work, to the painful beginning, to the impatience for it to be over, and to the surprising sadness when it finally was- what a roller coaster ride of emotions the whole nursing experience has been!

So to celebrate the fact that after 2 years (from pregnancy through nursing), my body is once again my own, I went shopping. I can now wear cute little lacy underthings instead of those ugly nursing ones. I don't have to worry about whether the shirt will be nursing friendly. I can just get it because it's CUTE.

Nursing was not easy. It was actually a lot more difficult than I ever thought it would be. But it was my sacrifice for Grace because it was something only I could provide for her. And that made it all worthwhile.


Italian night for dinner- ravioli with alfredo sauce and cannolis for dessert!